Jade Hops
by joan3
Summary: Abby tries to comfort and understand Luka. Takes place after
1. Jade Hops

Jade Hops  
  
Abby tapped her fingers nervously on the steering wheel. She had tried to track Luka down all day and when she finally saw him, his demeanor was unusually cold and angry, although not as angry as he'd been the night before. Not angry like the night before. Even now, she could see the circle of blood widen with each bashing of the mugger's skull. How could Luka do that? He was never a violent man. Not from what she knew of him. He was gentle, sweet, very handsome. That side of him dissolved in contrast with his violent actions. He was a killer.   
Still, Abby reasoned, the taste of blood did not make anyone evil. She disregarded what he had said to the detective and concentrated on what she knew in her gut. Luka had protected her in the most animal, most basic way he could. It was something which drove him.  
She turned the corner and parked in the private parking lot. She made her way to Luka's suite. Abby knocked hesitantly. Luka answered the door and, seeing it was her, wordlessly allowed her in and retired to an armchair. He looked tired, wan and worn. Abby removed her coat. She could see he wanted to say something.  
"You don't have to talk."  
Abby rested herself on Luka's lap and kissed him.  
Luka's lips met her kiss with a difference. It was not like the shy, awkward kisses she had dealt him before. This one seemed soothing, touching. He rested his hand on her cheek. He seemed grateful for her kiss; grateful for her.  
Abby pulled Luka to her bosom and held him.  
"Luka...I waited for you all day. I didn't know what happened to you."  
Luka screwed his eyes shut as he strained to hear Abby's heart.  
"I don't know what happened to me."  
Abby held his face in her hands.  
"Luka...."  
She wanted to ask him, to fill some sort of curiosity welling in her. He simply pressed his fingers against her lips.  
"I killed him with my bare hands..."  
"You didn't mean to," Abby consoled.  
Luka would not be comforted.  
"I kept hitting his head against the ground, Abby. I couldn't make myself stop. I just had to do it."  
Abby didn't want to hear it. She pressed her fingers to his lips but he moved them.  
"I used to see blood whenever I shut by eyes. I see it all the time now and I can't stop it. Nothing will make it go away."  
Abby touched his brow.  
"We'll make it go away. We'll just..."  
Luka's eyes burned her.  
"You can't make it go away, Abby. Ever. It is there in your head."  
He pressed his thumbs on her temples.  
"Stop it, Luka!"  
She brushed away his hands and rose from his lap.  
"What are you going to do?" she asked. "Dwell on this? Why would you want to do that?! Luka, just stop thinking about it! You're in the clear! No one blames you....You didn't mean it..."   
Luka's face became awash with disgust.  
"You don't know what I meant."  
Luka circled her.  
"You've never seen people killed in front of your own eyes, have you?"  
Abby swallowed hard. She knew he was referring to the old country and horrors she could not comprehend.  
"No."  
"I have, Abby," he said softly. "And it never goes away. It stays in your mind."  
He touched her hairline and traced his fingers through her hair.  
"It's one thing to see people killed. Then you can say to yourself: I am not like the murderer. My blood is not cold. My soul is not ugly."   
His hands cradled her skull.  
"But it also makes you want to kill and that makes your soul ugly. I held onto that man's skull and I bashed it in with all my anger. It is so ugly, Abby, you can't imagine."  
Abby shut her eyes. She trembled in Luka's hands. She could no longer feel the firmness or the slackness of his hands, only their presence.  
"How do I make my soul good again? Hhmmm?"  
Abby opened her eyes.  
"You've always had a good soul, Luka."  
Luka did not believe her.  
"Then why did I kill him?"  
"To protect me?" she proffered.  
Luka looked crushed.   
"He is the murderer," Abby said. "He murdered you."   
Abby became cool, definite in what she was about to say.  
"I know you're not a murderer. I know it in my bones. I don't believe a man like you is capable of being cold-blooded."  
Luka's face became pained, as though her faith him was too great.  
Abby touched his cheek.  
"You're a beautiful man, Luka Kovac. No matter what anyone says."  
Abby stepped on her tiptoes and gently kissed Luka's cheek.  
Abby kissed him again, this time on the lips. The kiss was different, not absolving but inviting. As her lips touched his, he returned her affection doubly, like a hunger eating away at him. His kiss was more powerful, swallowing her into something she should not back away from. She found her hands running through his dark hair. His hands supported her head, holding it firmly to his own.  
Abby impulsively started to remove his sweater. His hands had already peeled away her shirt. She kissed the bare skin of his chest. Luka pulled Abby to the bed. Her hands explored the sculpted landscape of his torso. Her fingers brushed over circular scars that welled over on his shoulder blades. He flinched from her touch, as though the scars still burned. Abby recoiled slightly, seeing she had given painful offense. Luka did not react to her confusion but only continued removing the last traces of her clothes and easing off his.   
  
3 AM.  
The lights from outside shone on the two lovers, outlining their naked forms. Abby opened her eyes. From where her head lay, she could see the expanse of flawless olive flesh on Luka's chest. She looked up at his shoulder. A scar, an ugly circle welling up pinkish white on his shoulder, caused, no doubt, by a cigarette, marred his skin. She moved her fingers carefully towards that spot on him. The pads of her fingers touched it. Luka's eyes immediately shot open.  
"Don't touch me there."  
Abby withdrew her fingers.  
"What happened to you?"  
Luka swallowed an obstruction. He hesitated before telling her.  
"Someone hurt me."  
"Is that why you...?"  
Luka steeled his jaw.  
"I don't want to talk about it."  
He rolled over and tried to return to sleep.  
  
Oh, listen, sister. I love my Mr. Man and I can't tell you why. There ain't no reason why I should love that man. It must be something that the angels did plan...  
Abby woke up to the strains of Ella playing on a radio a few doors down. She smiled broadly, the first time in the longest while she had done so. She was so satisfied with her new lover. Could she call him that? Did she not enjoy his body, console him, lose herself entirely in him? Of course she did. She was amazed by him. She felt his pain, felt his tears, felt his body, over and over, all in bouts cathartic and rhythmic. She exhaled deeply when she thought about it.  
"Oh, Luka..." she moaned. "You are the goddamn, motherfucking man, I swear..."  
Abby reached for Luka. He was not there.  
"Luka?!"  
Abby looked around. Gone, goddammit, she thought. Men always leave. She threw herself back on the pillows.   
"Son-of-a-bitch!" she muttered.  
Her hand brushed against a paper on Luka's pillow. He had left a note. It read:  
I've gone out to get breakfast. I will be back soon. I promise.  
Abby smiled and held the note to her chest. He wasn't the kind to leave after all. He'll be back in a few minutes, she told herself and smiled.  
The smile left her face. What would she say to him? Would she tell him he was a good lover, ignoring her initial purpose for being here? Had that purpose been blunted by their love- making? What if all Luka wanted was sex? No. Or could he? Why couldn't Luka just want sex? He was a man, wasn't he? But he was no ordinary man. There are no extraordinary men, her grandmother had once said, just men who do extraordinary things. No, Grandma, Abby thought herself saying. You're wrong. I fucked one and believe me...  
No, You never say that to your grandmother.  
But what would she say to Luka?  
"Good morning."  
Abby shot up, startled by Luka's sudden arrival. He came bearing breakfast. Croissants? Bagels, possibly. Her mouth salivated at the thought of ham and cheese croissants.  
"Mmmmm....food..."  
Abby reached for bag. It was croissants. Luka was happy to give them to her. She bit into one impulsively. Luka watched her. Immediately, Abby felt foolish. She had not even said good morning to him and here she was stuffing her face like a pig. Luka had a sort of goofy smile on his face. Was he smiling at her because of her eating or something else?  
"Oh...oh...Luka..."  
Luka shook his head.  
"No, eat. You are hungry."  
Luka removed his coat and sat on the bed. Abby looked at him and placed a croissant in her mouth.  
"You know, you should eat. You never eat and I think that's why you're such a stick."  
Luka blushed at this.  
"I have ways of making myself thin."  
Abby didn't have to think about it. If anything last night was Luka's exercise regimen then... damn!  
"Here."  
She offered him a croissant and he gratefully accepted.  
Silence. Luka said nothing. Maybe he didn't know what to say. Abby certainly didn't. There were things she wanted to ask. She looked at his chest as it heaved with breath.  
"Luka, where is home for you?"  
Luka looked at her and finished the last bite of his croissant.  
"I was born in Šibenik. It's on the coast of Croatia. My father is from there and his father. My mother was born in Dubrovnik, further south but also along the coast. She grew up in Zagreb where her father taught."  
"He was a school teacher?"  
"No, he was a university professor."  
Abby smiled.  
"Wow. It must have been so interesting to have such a smart guy in the family."  
Luka shook his head.  
"I never knew him." He took another croissant. "My mother was a school teacher, though. She taught at a school not far from where my brother and I went to school. They had rules about family being so close."  
Abby shifted closer to Luka.  
"She probably would have let you get away with all kinds of trouble."  
Luka smiled.  
"Never."  
Abby laughed. Luka must have gotten into some serious trouble as a kid.  
"And your dad? What's he like?"  
Luka thought for a second.  
"I look up to him."  
Abby's expression softened.  
"No, I really look up to him," Luka repeated. "He's taller than I am."  
Abby laughed and so did Luka. He settled his laughter.  
"I love my father. I really do."  
Abby stopped laughing. She could see in his face that he meant it.  
"Yeah, well...My dad walked out on us so I don't look up to him in any way."  
Luka stopped eating. He was very quiet, maybe dismayed at her loss. Abby got out of bed and went to the bathroom, leaving Luka chagrined.  
  
Abby washed and prepared herself for the day. Luka was good enough to lend her an extra toothbrush and some towels. She brushed her hair, carefully rolling it under. In a few minutes, she would leave and wonder if she should come back. Her making love to him felt good, but in some way did not satisfy everything. She hardly knew him yet was going to bed with him. She hadn't planned it that way but she was sure he didn't plan it that way, either. She wondered if she should come back after her shift.  
She thought she should. She found that Luka was funny, sweet and had a family in a foreign country she never thought of going to. It was all interesting on a polite level. Maybe she should come back. Then she could ask what she really meant to ask.  
Abby left the bathroom. Luka leaned against the wall, his arms crossed.  
"Not working today?" she inquired.  
Luka shook his head.  
"Kerry has let me off."  
Abby understood. Yesterday and the day before stalked them like violent spectres. Kerry was being generous.  
"I guess you go back tomorrow."  
Luka nodded.  
"Maybe you should go for a walk or something," Abby suggested.  
Luka shook his head nervously.  
"No...No, I don't want to go anywhere. Just...stay inside...."  
Abby nodded. Maybe he needed to think some things through. Abby turned to leave but Luka caught her arm.  
"Please come back."  
She looked into his hazel eyes, so cool and desperate. She would have to come back.  
"Yes."  
  
Abby finished her shift, a day of impermanent faces and ills. She arrived at Luka's suite. He opened the door. He led her into his suite by her hand. He had been waiting for her.  
Luka lifted Abby from the floor and carried her to the bed. He placed her down carefully and lay on top of her, balancing his weight so as not to smother her. Still, his lankiness covered her diminutive frame disproportionately. But Abby did not care. She was pinned under Luka's weight. His hands gripped her wrists tightly. But why would she protest? She felt safe and warm with him. The world of the senses precluded everything else now. His weight, his skin, his lips on her neck, everything about him. He was like one big sensation.  
Abby wrapped her legs around him and returned his kiss, her tongue sliding in his mouth, him sliding into her. She threw her head back in a spasm of desire. He responded to every twitch, every orgasm, every kiss, every jolt. They moved as one.  
  
Luka shot up screaming.   
"Ne! Ne ostetite mi!"  
Abby shot up as well, letting the bed sheets fall.  
"Luka, what is it?!"  
Luka trembled. His face was pale and frightened.  
"He's hurting me...he's hurting me..." he breathed fearfully.  
Abby did not understand. She held his face.  
"There's no one here but us." She pulled his head to her shoulder and stroked his hair. "It was all a dream."  
  
When Abby woke up she felt the weight of Luka's head on her bosom, like baby. Whether it was their bout of love-making or his nightmare or even some kind of primeval need to hear a heartbeat, like a baby would before he is born, she couldn't say but it was comforting. She was comforting him and it felt good. He needed her, not in some clingy way but in a gentle, intermittent way. Even Luka the brave needed a shoulder once in a while. Or a bosom, for that matter. Abby stroked his hair and returned to sleep.  
  
When Abby woke up again, Luka's head displaced from her bosom to a pillow. He shifted as sleep would dictate and she was free to move. She got up and began to dress. She came back, as she said she would. So this was it. She tiptoed out of his suite and left. She got as far as the front door.   
"Dammit!" she muttered.  
Luka, for whatever he was, would never leave her. And, as much as he would never admit it, he needed her. Last night was proof of that. She reached into her purse and pulled out a piece of paper from her day planner and a pen.  
Dear Luka,  
I had to go somewhere. I'll be back. I promise.  
She slid the note under his door and went out again. She would get the porter or somebody to open the door for her if Luka was not up.   
She would be back soon.  
  
The midday sun gleamed over the frost and Luka was still asleep. He was a baby.   
Abby woke Luka up.  
"Hi," she said sweetly.  
Luka yawned and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He looked like a child who had just woken up from a nap.  
"Did you just wake up?"  
Abby shook her head.  
"No, I had to go somewhere."  
Luka looked hurt, pouting like a child left alone. Abby touched the corner of his face in consolation.  
"But I came back."  
Abby pulled a dark blue sweater out of a boutique bag.  
"I bought this for you," she smiled. She laid it against his bare skin. "I hope it fits."  
Luka was touched.  
"You did this for me?"  
Abby grinned.  
"You look so good in sweaters."  
Luka smiled and touched the sleeve of the sweater.  
"Thank you."  
Abby pulled another sweater out of the bag.  
"I got one for me and..."  
Her eyes rolled in self-consciousness.  
"This was on sale."  
Abby showed Luka a tiny sweater, one which would fit a few months old child. He did not know what to make of it.  
"See? Isn't this sweet?" She pointed to the designs on it. "This is a little lamb and this happy fellow right here is the sun. See?"  
Luka laughed. His face became paternal. Abby then wanted to take the sweater back, ashamed she might be jumping ahead.  
"I just bought it..."  
Luka rested his hand on her face.  
"No, it's all right. I like it. It's, um..." His face scoured in confusion. "What is the word? Um...? Like, for little babies..."  
"Cute," Abby supplied.  
Luka nodded.  
"Yes! That's it! Cute."  
Abby folded the little sweater.  
"Babies are cute."  
Luka nodded.  
"Yes they are cute."  
Silence.  
In the corner of her eye, Abby could see the cute, little children Luka wanted to have with her. She plunged headfirst into the pool before she realized she couldn't swim in it.   
"We should...probably get going," she stammered. "You know Weaver. She'll have our heads."  
Luka nodded. No more talk of sweaters, big or small, and perhaps no more talk of coming back tonight. No talk.  
"Yes," he agreed and got out of bed.  
  
Luka was ready. It didn't take long for him. He was a man of no great means and greater resilience.  
"Ready?"  
Luka looked blankly on Abby.  
"Yeah."  
He put his coat on.  
"Maybe we can get croissants," Abby quickly suggested, forcing a smile.  
Luka agreed. He was starving.  
"I have to get a file I left in the desk," he remembered and dashed to it.  
Abby looked around patiently, tapping her foot.  
"You know, Luka, you should get an apartment. Really."  
Luka would take her suggestion under advisement.  
A knock on the door meant that the mail had arrived. Abby cautiously opened the door and took a bundle of letters from the porter. She placed them haphazardly on the lamp stand. One envelope in particular stood out. Its texture was different from the standard legal sized or manila envelopes that normally came in the mail. Abby picked up the envelope. It was a rough paper with flecks dark green grains running through it. It smelled of rosemary. The letters on it appeared to be Russian.  
Luka grabbed the envelope from her.  
"Hey!" Abby cried in surprise.  
"Hey, you!" Luka scolded.  
Abby tried not to show she had been chided.  
"I didn't know you knew Russian."  
Luka remained coy.  
"I guess that's because Russia took over everybody," Abby surmised.  
"Not us," Luka corrected her and went out the door. 


	2. Make It Go Away

Make It Go Away  
  
  
  
The apartment was completely dark. The ratty, old curtains would not allow the light from the  
  
streets in. Once the door creaked open, the darkened apartment took on some illumination and began  
  
to live again.  
  
Luka walked in with a huge box in his arms and placed it on the floor. He reached for the light  
  
switch and turned it on.  
  
"This is it," he declared.  
  
Abby followed him with a smaller box in her arms. She looked around.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Luka was nonplussed.  
  
"What?"  
  
Abby forced a polite smile.  
  
"Nothing." She looked around again. "It's just that I've seen bigger."  
  
"It's big enough for me," Luka said definitively. He looked at Abby. "For you."  
  
Abby avoided his eyes.  
  
"Luka..."  
  
He leaned his weight on one foot.  
  
"Please, Abby, reconsider."  
  
Abby shook her head.  
  
"No, Luka. And I don't want to talk about it again."  
  
Luka looked chagrined. Abby thought quickly to fill up the awkward silence.  
  
"Where do you want this?"  
  
"Just anywhere," Luka said. "I won't have furniture until tomorrow."   
  
Abby smirked.  
  
"Day off, huh?"  
  
"Yeah," Luka nodded.  
  
Lucky bastard. But then again, he rarely had any days off.  
  
Luka's face took on a devious expression.  
  
"You know, you could say you are not feeling well tomorrow and..."  
  
Abby could see where this was going.  
  
"Give up a day of menial labour at the E.R. for a day of menial labour here?"  
  
Luka moved to her and nuzzled his lips on her neck.  
  
"It doesn't have to be. You could help me test my new bed."  
  
Abby giggled but stopped herself. She couldn't let Luka get too naughty.  
  
"I would never get away with it."  
  
Luka looked at her, stunned.  
  
"But I could back you up."  
  
Abby laughed.  
  
"That's why it would never work!"  
  
Luka laughed, too. He returned to her neck, his energy derived from Abby's giggles. A knock  
  
on the door brought everything to a full stop.  
  
"Sorry," a man apologized.  
  
Luka and Abby returned to a chaste composure and allowed the landlord in.  
  
"I'm just here to give you your key to the backdoor."  
  
He handed Luka a key and made way to the door.  
  
"Thank you, Mr. Kustan."  
  
Abby giggled when he left and picked up where Luka left off.  
  
*  
  
Tuesday mornings, A.A. meetings. Abby did not tell Luka where she was going. In fact, he  
  
rarely asked such things. He was neither possessive or inquisitorial. Or did not care. Whatever the  
  
reason may be, Abby was relieved she did not have to divulge an ugly truth to a man she had a tenuous  
  
grasp on. It wasn't glamourous, she once told Carter. She was a drunk.  
  
Abby folded her hands on her lap and stared blankly before her. A nudge on her arm roused  
  
her from her lethargy.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
Carter looked at her with annoyed eyes.  
  
"And you yell at me for not paying attention!"  
  
Abby looked chagrined.  
  
"Sorry. I was just thinking about something."  
  
Carter relaxed his offensive.  
  
"Do you want to go out after this? Get something to eat, maybe?"  
  
Abby sadly shook her head.  
  
"I can't. I have to go somewhere after this."  
  
*  
  
Abby could see Luka from his apartment window, smoking a forbidden cigarette. The ugly  
  
curtains had been removed. His hair was wet and he wore the dark blue sweater she had gotten him.  
  
When he saw her, he smiled and mashed out his cigarette.  
  
"Hurry up!" he cried. "I need your help with something!"  
  
"Okay!" Abby cried back and ran up to Luka's apartment.  
  
The door was already open. The place looked different. He scrubbed it out and, at last, had  
  
furniture. It was not adorned with anything. No posters, plants, not anything.  
  
"Abby!"  
  
He swung her off her feet and then replaced her on the ground.  
  
"This place is looking better, huh?"  
  
Abby nodded.  
  
"Yeah. It could use a poster or throw rug or something."  
  
Luka at first looked rebuked but then agreed. Women always knew about these things, he  
  
thought.  
  
"Alright. Then what else?"  
  
Abby laughed at him though he remained earnest. He was so cute when he was earnest.  
  
"Luka, you can do what ever you want to this place. You can paint an elephant on the ceiling  
  
for all I care!"  
  
Luka fumbled for a pen and paper.  
  
"Let me write this down."  
  
Abby stopped him. He looked bashful, blushed and laughed. Abby laughed as well.  
  
"Sorry," he apologized. "I, um... I'm not good at making things look aesthetically pleasing."  
  
Abby jostled him.  
  
"Nah. Just settle in. This place will take a shape of its own."  
  
Luka hoped so. If she would only move in, his new home would start to look more like a home.  
  
Isn't that what everyone wanted?  
  
Luka reclined on his couch. Abby marvelled at the size of it. It was, length-wise, almost as tall  
  
as Luka was.  
  
"I got this from a man who knows tall people."  
  
Abby sat next to him. Her feet barely touched the floor. Indeed, the entire apartment, now that  
  
she thought of it, was wholly suited to Luka the friendly giant. The only cupboards Luka had to stand on  
  
his toes to reach would require Abby to use a ten-foot ladder. The porcelain tub was no more than a  
  
step for him but a climb for her. The locks of the windows needed chairs to reach them. Now the  
  
furniture complimented his towering form. And he wanted her to live with him?! Only if she wore stilts  
  
every day!  
  
"Um, Luka?"  
  
Luka turned to her.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Haven't you noticed a disparity between my height and your height and how it relates to the  
  
apartment?"  
  
Luka was baffled.  
  
"Disparity? I don't understand."  
  
"You know, like, not proportionate, not equal."  
  
"Yes, I know what disparity means. I just don't know what you mean."  
  
Abby furrowed her brow and waved her hand around her.  
  
"Well, Luka... I can't reach anything here."  
  
Luka inched nearer to her.  
  
"But that's why you have me. I can reach things for you."  
  
"And what if you're not here?"  
  
"We'll get a little step ladder."  
  
He crept closer.  
  
"Are you afraid of anything big?"  
  
He started nibbling on her ear. She tried to stop him but couldn't stop giggling.  
  
"No, no! I'm trying to have a discussion here! Luka! No! Bad boy!"  
  
Any talk now of the apartment and dimensions in any respect was quelled in favour of sex in the  
  
afternoon.  
  
**  
  
Luka and Abby fell asleep on the couch built for tall people. His hair had since dried. He  
  
looked so calm when he was asleep. He wasn't imposing. He looked like a child, occasionally rubbing  
  
his eyes and sighing. Abby loved it when he looked vulnerable. She wanted to cradle him and protect  
  
him from the rest of the world.  
  
She looked at his partially uncovered body. Her fingers danced and stepped along its contours,  
  
every now and then stopping to kiss a part she found pleasing. Luka's body was a map, a perfectly  
  
formed though slightly marred map. His chest was rolling hills; his ribs caverns; his belly button a  
  
sinkhole; his scar, the ugly whitish spot that once burned an ugly red on his shoulder, was a patch of ice  
  
that swirled in one fixed position. She moved her fingers over to it and, remembering his initial reaction  
  
to her insensible touches the first time they made love, hovered over that spot. There was a cold space  
  
over it, as if it were actually made of ice. She wanted to kiss it, as if doing so would actually soothe the  
  
pain. She made no move, however, other than keep her fingers suspended over his scar. Luka turned  
  
and her fingers came in contact with the scar. Instantly, Luka's eyes shot open and his hand clasped  
  
Abby's. Now he became imposing, frightening.  
  
"Don't touch me there."  
  
His eyes lost their warm hazelness and became alien and angry. Luka was not the same man  
  
who had but hours ago kissed and caressed her playfully. Immediately, Abby remembered the night he  
  
killed the mugger. His hand remained firm in the grasp of her hand, never slackening for a second.  
  
"I-I'm sorry," Abby stammered.  
  
She looked to her clasped hand.  
  
"Luka, you're hurting me..."  
  
Luka loosened his grip. His face changed. He wasn't angry any more. He didn't even realize he  
  
had grabbed her hand.  
  
Abby rose from the couch and dressed.  
  
"I have to go to work."  
  
Luka followed her.  
  
"Abby, wait. I didn't mean to..."  
  
Abby did not listen to him and fled his apartment, barely pausing to do up the remainder of the  
  
buttons on her shirt. She shut the door loudly and succinctly.  
  
Luka, struck by his own lack of awareness, tried to reach for her, even after she left. It  
  
happened again.  
  
"Shit!"  
  
**  
  
Abby stifled back frightened tears. She had never been so frightened before in her life. It was  
  
as though Luka had two personalities, one not aware of the other. She gripped her car keys. She  
  
thought of calling Carter but what could she tell him? That Luka tried to kill her? No. There would be  
  
no point. She started the car and drove away from her apartment.  
  
**  
  
Abby! Abby! Where are yoooooou?!  
  
Abby tied to shut that voice and its annoying drawl out of her head.   
  
Her mother humiliated her in front of her co-workers. She could never live it down. She  
  
expected to be stared at and badgered or the awkwardness that follows when something like that  
  
happened. It only seemed to happen to her, though.  
  
Abby knocked on Luka's door hesitantly, having found the courage to face him again.  
  
The door opened. Luka seemed genuinely surprised to see Abby.  
  
"Abby?"  
  
The woman pouted.  
  
"Come in, Abby." Luka offered. " What's wrong?"  
  
Abby hesitated before answering Luka.  
  
"I can't stay with my mother."  
  
Luka seemed troubled.  
  
"But she's your mama, Abby."  
  
Abby scowled at him.  
  
"I never wanted her to be."  
  
Luka did not understand. He looked out the window at the drizzled gray streets. He resumed  
  
his gaze at Abby.  
  
"I need a cigarette. Will you join me?"  
  
Abby smiled.  
  
"I thought you'd never ask."  
  
**  
  
Abby was down to the last puff of her cigarette. She looked at the shivering Luka breathing  
  
wisps of pale smoke from his lips.  
  
"Luka?"  
  
He looked at her.  
  
"What does ja sam kriv mean?"  
  
Luka trembled. How did she know?  
  
"I hear you say it a lot when you're asleep," she revealed. "What does it mean?"  
  
Luka continued to smoke, his intakes increasing in intensity.  
  
"Does it have something to do with the war?"  
  
"Abby!" Luka snapped nervously.  
  
He could see she was shaken. He tried to reassure her with a smile.  
  
"Abby, I think there are a lot of things you do not say to me."  
  
Luka threw away his finished cigarette.  
  
"It's nothing," he lied. He smiled gently. "Come. Let's go inside. You're cold."  
  
He took Abby by the hand and raced down the fire escape to his apartment. The rain started  
  
heavy again. By the time the two got inside, they were drenched.   
  
Luka smiled and shook the rain out of his hair.  
  
"This cannot be November weather!"  
  
Abby smiled back.  
  
"Freak weather," she shrugged. "What are you going to do?"  
  
Luka's smile became relaxed. He held Abby in his gaze. His hands enveloped her face. He  
  
moved his mouth to her's and kissed her. She returned the kiss slowly, each pulse growing stronger  
  
with the moments. Luka lifted Abby from the floor and carried her into his room. He started peeling off  
  
her clothes, kissing each part of flesh as it became exposed. She allowed him, relaxing into his embrace.  
  
She reached for the switch of the lamp and shut if off.  
  
**  
  
Sleep produced disjointed images and sensations in the mind. Memories of soccer practice in  
  
Grade Four, the cigarette smoke in a bar, the nursery on the OB ward, a warm fall day, the bike  
  
trauma, the grieving guilty woman who inadvertently killed him.  
  
Abby's eyes shot open. What if Luka wanted children? Oh God. That baby in his arms today  
  
was a harbinger, a sign of things to come. That couldn't be!  
  
Abby shot up. Luka was auspiciously missing from her side. Maybe he brushing his teeth or  
  
taking a shower. Good. She decided to get up now, before it was too late.  
  
**  
  
My race is run beneath the sun. A scaffold now waits for me. For I did murder that dear  
  
little girl whose name was Rose Connelly....  
  
Luka could hear the gentle cadences of Abby's voice soothing the child to sleep. Through his  
  
half-closed eyes, he thought he could see them- mother and child walking back and forth, waiting for  
  
sleep to reclaim them. But when he opened his eyes, only a ghost with the deepest brown hair and  
  
warm tan face was there.  
  
"I knew you would be here."  
  
The brunette looked at Luka. A gentle smile came upon her face but she did not answer him.  
  
Luka sat at the kitchen table.  
  
"I always thought you would come back, even for a little while. Sometimes, I think I can hear  
  
you saying my name or singing."  
  
The brunette did not reply. Her soft green eyes had a glow about them that was warm and  
  
soothing. She sat at the table with Luka.  
  
"I wish you would speak to me," Luka implored. "Let me hear you one more time."  
  
The brunette did not answer him. Her silence tortured him. Nothing about her communicated  
  
anything to Luka and this killed him with each beat of silence.  
  
"Please..."  
  
"Govori mene...molim...."  
  
"Luka?"  
  
Luka shot up from the table. Had he been dreaming? He saw Abby was ready to leave.  
  
"Oh.....Abby... I must have fallen asleep and....."  
  
Abby gave an awkward smile.  
  
"No, uh.... I, uh, have to go."  
  
Luka reached out for her.  
  
"Wait! Let me get you breakfast."  
  
Abby shook her head.  
  
"I really can't."  
  
Luka nodded disappointedly.  
  
"Alright."  
  
"I'll see you at work," Abby said and made her way out the door.  
  
Luka nodded and waved slightly. He bit his bottom lip and tucked in the chair.   
  
Another breakfast alone.  
  
**  
  
The smoggy air in all its crispness stung Abby's chuckling cheeks. Yes, she ignored Carter's  
  
page. No use in hearing old news. Maggie was gone. Like the time before and the time before that.  
  
Same old, same old.   
  
"Abby?!"  
  
Abby turned to the voice that called her.  
  
Carter was walking toward her very quickly.  
  
"Didn't you get my page?"  
  
Abby only smiled.  
  
"I know."  
  
Carter seemed confused.  
  
"Legaspi was getting a bed for your mother and she ran."  
  
Abby only nodded.  
  
"I know."  
  
Abby sipped her newly-bought coffee.  
  
"It's the dance we do. We get lost in it for a little while, but it always ends the same."  
  
Carter looked sorry even though Abby had asked him not to be. He opened his mouth to  
  
speak.  
  
"Would you like....?"  
  
"Carter!"  
  
Luka walked through the bay doors, wrapping a scarf about his neck.  
  
"There is a patient whose labs have not yet come in."  
  
Carter nodded, without even looking at Luka.  
  
"I'll be sure to tell Weaver."  
  
Luka nodded his thanks and wrapped his arm around Abby. The two lovers walked away  
  
from the hospital towards the El tracks.  
  
Carter's eyes burned them from a distance.  
  
**  
  
Luka had fallen right asleep. He could do that. It was as though the day had not happened to  
  
him. Abby could not stand it. Slipping out from under the blanket, she emerged into the bathroom and  
  
locked the door. Now fully alone, Abby ran the water and started to cry.  
  
**  
  
Luka had the morning shift this week. Abby worked in the evening, a shift she shared with  
  
Carter. It pained her not to be able to go home with Luka but next week promised shared shifts.  
  
Maybe that was a good thing.  
  
A trauma came in, flying through like a gale force wind. Abby and Carter were left to dispose  
  
of the narcotic drugs and clean up. She regarded him. He laboured under the strain his own pain, she  
  
thought. Lucy's death, drug use, his own self-loathing. He took the punches and rolled with them. He  
  
might not have seemed it, but he was a hell of a fighter.  
  
Abby finished disposing of the needles and vials and went to the lounge to get some coffee.  
  
Carter came in after her. He helped himself to the stale coffee. He said nothing, just sighed once,  
  
heavily.  
  
"There are times when I just don't want to be here," he revealed.  
  
"That's everyday for me," Abby joked.  
  
Carter seemed to tired to acknowledge her joke.  
  
Silence.  
  
Abby swished around the last swallow of coffee.  
  
"I'm not doing anything tomorrow night, you know."  
  
Carter did not seemed interested.  
  
"I thought you were."  
  
Abby knew, but did not say, he meant Luka. She wanted to explain to Carter what it was like  
  
with him. She and Luka never talked. He had a pain all to his own and didn't want to talk about it. He  
  
also did not know that she was an alcoholic. There were a lot of things neither of them knew.  
  
"Well...I'm not."  
  
Carter did not want to answer Abby. She would always return to Luka, much to his disgust.  
  
What did he offer Abby? She always came back to him to talk. Luka was a cold bastard, Carter  
  
decided. Abby needed someone to talk to, not screw her and certainly not screw her over.  
  
"Well, do you want to do something when the shift is over?" Abby asked. "I'm off in an hour."  
  
Carter looked vaguely interested.  
  
"Let's get something to eat," Abby invited.  
  
Carter put his hands in his pockets.  
  
"Are you sure Luka wouldn't mind?"  
  
Abby didn't like Carter's insinuation but decided to brush it off.  
  
"Do you want chicken wings or not?"  
  
Carter raised an excited brow.  
  
"Chicken wings?! Well! Who can say no to that?"  
  
Abby smiled.  
  
"In an hour then!  
  
Carter nodded.  
  
"You lead, I follow."  
  
**  
  
Abby and Carter sat in the smoky-hazed diner where no natural light ever shone. A waitress  
  
put down a menu and glasses of water and left them.  
  
Carter sipped his water. Abby toyed with her napkin.  
  
"How are things going?" she asked. "I mean- are you avoiding temptation?"  
  
Carter toyed with his straw.  
  
"It creeps up on me, you know. I mean, I'm surrounded by drugs every day and who would  
  
notice if five milligrams of this or that is missing, you know what I mean?"  
  
"It's hard," she replied, "and it doesn't get easier."  
  
Carter nodded reluctantly in agreement.  
  
"It's like my life is a gigantic boulder rolling down one side of a hill and when I roll it back up, it  
  
just rolls down the other side."  
  
Abby was intrigued by Carter's analogy. He smiled.  
  
"Benefits of a Classical education."  
  
Abby returned the smile.  
  
"Well, I never attended the Ivy League schools you did but you could say your life is like the  
  
boulder that runs over Wile E. Coyote. Benefits of a Bugs Bunny education."  
  
Carter laughed.  
  
Silence. They tried not to look at one another. Each inadvertent glance gave them goosebumps.  
  
Something was between them and they could not say what it was.  
  
"Are you ready to order?"  
  
The waitress broke the uncomfortable silence.  
  
"Chicken wings," Abby answered and returned her menu.  
  
Carter continued to sip his water.  
  
**  
  
Having had their fill, Carter and Abby left the diner just as a break in the weather occurred.  
  
They exited through the back and walked to Carter's jeep.  
  
The rain had finally stopped. The fog thickly rose from the grimy streets. Abby walked through  
  
the wafts casually. Carter followed suit.  
  
"Unusual weather," he remarked.  
  
Abby stopped.  
  
"You know, that's what Luka was saying."  
  
Carter stopped walking.  
  
"What else does he say?"  
  
Abby looked directly at him.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
Carter did not answer her. Abby continued walking.  
  
"What we talk about is none of your business."  
  
"You don't talk to him at all," Carter sniped.  
  
Abby stopped walking and shot Carter an angry look.  
  
"Fuck you, Carter! You know, you've been riding my ass about him and I've had it up to here!  
  
I don't need it!"  
  
"Abby, wait!"  
  
Carter tugged at her shoulder.  
  
"You don't like being with him, do you?"  
  
Abby spun around.  
  
"It's none of your goddamn business!"  
  
Carter's complexion blanched.  
  
"You don't like being with him, Abby! I can see it! You hardly look at each other, let alone talk  
  
to each other. He's using you!"  
  
Abby could have slapped him.  
  
"He is not using me! He would never do that!"  
  
Carter huffed.  
  
"So, what then? You just screw him and leave?!"  
  
Abby let fly a slap on Carter's face. He merely stood his ground.  
  
"Hit me if it makes you feel better, but just answer me. It's killing me to see you like this. Do  
  
you like being with him?"  
  
Abby's upper lip trembled.  
  
"Sometimes," she admitted. "But... he is so sweet and..."  
  
Abby fell to Carter's shoulder and started crying. He embraced her and held her tightly.  
  
Abby pulled herself away.  
  
"He's not what you think he is."  
  
Carter's hands fell to his sides.  
  
"And what do I think of him?  
  
Abby did not look at him in the eye.  
  
"Not much."  
  
Abby composed herself.  
  
"I have to go home."  
  
Carter bowed his head and nodded.  
  
"Yeah, okay."  
  
They walked to the jeep.   
  
Abby swallowed once.  
  
"Thank you, Carter."  
  
**  
  
Carter let her off in front of Luka's apartment.  
  
"See you tomorrow," she said as she got out of the jeep.  
  
Carter did not look at her but only gripped the steering wheel.  
  
"Yeah, see ya at work."  
  
With that, he drove off in a huff.  
  
Abby shrugged. There was nothing Carter could do, anyway. It was up to her and Luka.  
  
She took the elevator to Luka's apartment. It was dark. Not even the security lights were on.  
  
She knocked on the door and Luka answered. He was happy she was there. He took her by the hand  
  
and led her to his room. She removed her coat. His hand got lost in her hair. They knew the rhythm of  
  
love-making and slid into it comfortably.  
  
Abby wrapped her legs around Luka's lean form and moaned slightly. He let his lips slide along  
  
her breastbone longingly. She loved when he did that but wished now he didn't do it.   
  
* 


	3. Loosens

Loosens  
  
Luka opened his eyes, rolled over and looked at Abby. It was the second time she had slept in his new bed in his new apartment. The whole thing was a novelty. For once in the longest time, his life had some semblance of normality. He could forget Masha (and her new husband) and Carol and think only of Abby. Will he tell her about the scars, or the picture he had always carried in his wallet? Maybe he will tell her about Šibenik and its sandy coastline. He would tell her about the huge jutting rocks and the little white flowers that grew over them and the tidal pools. Yes. That was it. He would tell her about his home. There was no better a way of burying the past for good.  
  
Luka stretched his arm over and touched Abby's head. She was completely asleep. He leaned over and kissed her head.  
  
"I'll make pancakes," he whispered to his insensible lover. "That will wake you up."  
  
**  
  
Abby opened her eyes and finally summoned enough energy to get out of bed, Luka's bed. She heard him move about in the kitchen. He was there, shirtless, fixing breakfast. His shoulders were raised, not slouched as usual. His olive skin was bare to his waist. He wore only his pyjama pants. One could see the muscles, the birthmark on his arm, the handsome, little belly button, the scars. He must have made a beautiful husband at one time. Abby wouldn't know because he never talked about it with her and she never asked. Why?  
  
"I hope you're not making breakfast for me," she smiled yet knowing full well that he had.  
  
Luka was a little surprised but pleased that she was up.  
  
"Yes." He lifted a plate of pancakes dripping in syrup. "I made them thick and drenched with maple syrup the way you like it." He licked a drop threatening to leave the plate. "It's the Canadian stuff you like so much."  
  
Abby took a sharp intake of breath at Luka's sweet gesture (Richard had not even made such an effort).  
  
"Oh, Luka, I'm sorry. I can't eat breakfast. I have to run..." she lied.  
  
Luka placed the plate calmly on the table.  
  
"Oh," he sighed in a downcast tone.  
  
Abby stubbed her toe on the carpet. She could see how her lie hurt Luka but every moment she stayed made it harder to leave. She would do it and soon but not now.  
  
"I can stay for a bit," she made way to the table. "Especially seeing as you made breakfast just for me."  
  
Abby sat before the plate of pancakes. Luka stroked an errant lock of chestnut hair.  
  
"It was no effort at all," he said softly and kissed her forehead. "I will make coffee and then we'll go to work together."  
  
Abby jabbed at her pancakes.  
  
"Yeah, leave for work," she intoned automaton.  
  
**  
  
Abby took the el train with Luka today. She did not look at him or pay attention to what he was saying. She had caught only snippets of his voice. Something about painting the kitchen and what colour she thought was best.  
  
"Abby?"  
  
Her head shot up.  
  
"Uh, yeah?"  
  
Luka stooped to her height in an almost teasing way.  
  
"Do you think my talking about painting the kitchen is boring?"  
  
Abby hesitated. She didn't want to say she just wasn't listening. She opened her mouth to speak. Luka's placid face waited for an answer.  
  
"I think we should...."  
  
The el train pulled to a stop at County General.  
  
"It's our stop."  
  
Luka smiled and waited for Abby to get off first. They descended the stairs together, not talking or looking at each other, like strangers. When they reached the bottom step, Luka turned to Abby.  
  
"Abby, is something bothering you?"  
  
Abby swivelled her head to him. He was sensing it.  
  
"No," she denied. "Nothing."   
  
She smiled a false smile.  
  
"We have to get in or we'll be late."  
  
Luka nodded.  
  
"See you after work then?"  
  
Abby nodded and went ahead of Luka.  
  
**  
  
Abby put her coat in the locker and closed it. She lost her lively hue and could not explain why. It was all unravelling.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
Abby spun her head around, embarrassed that Deb caught her. She did not realize she was not alone.   
  
I'm good."  
  
Deb raised an incredulous brow.  
  
"You don't look like it."  
  
Now Abby was annoyed.  
  
"Well, I am."  
  
Abby made haste to work, leaving Deb unfairly chastised for her concern.  
  
**  
  
Carter went over some charts in the privacy of an empty examination room.  
  
"I'm going to tell him that I don't want to live with him."  
  
Carter turned around to the voice. It was Abby. Her brown eyes were widened like saucers and her face was pale and worried.  
  
"It'll hurt him at first but he'll get over it. I'll just tell him."  
  
Carter knew she meant Luka.   
  
"Really?"  
  
Abby huffed and tucked a half-filled chart under her arm.  
  
"He doesn't need me."  
  
Carter left his charts and walked over to her.  
  
"Is that really what you want?"  
  
Abby did not look at him but instead found an empty space on the wall on which to fix her eyes.  
  
"He, uh... has this scar on his shoulder. It looks like someone burnt a cigarette on it and..."  
  
Abby's voice broke. Carter put his arms around her.  
  
"You can't take his past pain into consideration, Abby. It's not your's. Leave him with it."  
  
Abby shook her head.  
  
"I don't know what I want. All I know is that I can't help him and he can't help me. It's like....like.... I don't know. Like we're strangers and we shouldn't be."  
  
Carter strengthened his comforting grip on her.  
  
"A lot of people are strangers to one another. You just have find someone you're not a stranger to."  
  
Abby wiped away her tears.  
  
"I don't know if that's ever going to happen."  
  
Abby broke from Carter's embrace and went to the lounge. His eyes followed her. He wanted to tell her that she wasn't a stranger to him but now was not the time.  
  
**  
  
Luka was already home. He was preparing a meal. When Abby arrived, she saw two plates on the table- one for her, one for him.  
  
"Abby, you're on time," he smiled. "Supper is nearly ready."  
  
Luka moved to the stove, stirring one thing, burning his finger on another, cussing and soothing the hurt. He turned the temperature down and pulled out a bottle of wine from the wine rack.  
  
"Luka, I can't stay."  
  
Luka turned to her. He could see on her face something greater than an external pressing matter.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
Abby did not say. She pointed to the couch, motioning him to sit.  
  
Luka sat down on the arm of the couch. His arms limply hung in front of him.  
  
"Abby, what bothers you?"  
  
Abby did not answer him. She looked at the floor. Her eyes glazed over. Luka tilted his head to see them.  
  
"Abby? Abby, are you going to cry?"  
  
Luka moved to brush imminent tears from her eyes but she moved his hand away.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
Abby now looked at Luka.  
  
"Did I fall in love with you?"  
  
Luka stiffened his jaw. He could see where this was going.  
  
"I don't know. Did you?"  
  
Abby swallowed hard.  
  
"I thought I did." Abby tilted her head to the side. "But I don't know now. I think what I wanted was someone to talk to. A shoulder to rest my head on."  
  
She touched a dark lock of hair resting on his forehead.  
  
"I was so attracted to you. You had all the confidence in me and you made me feel safe, even after..."  
  
Luka knew she meant after the mugger's death.  
  
"But I can't continue like this, Luka. All of this," she waved her hand around her, pointing at the quiet domesticity, "we never planned all of this, did we?"  
  
Luka's eyes were blank.  
  
"What did you have in mind?"  
  
Abby was stuck.  
  
"I don't know. I don't think I had anything in mind."  
  
Abby steeled her resolve.  
  
"What do we give each other? Really? I can't talk to you. Whenever something bothers you, you just shut me out and... I have my own problems."  
  
Luka shook his head.  
  
"You never told me that."  
  
"Because I can't," she explained. "And even if I did, you couldn't help me. Don't think that you can. I know you'd want to but...I'm too fucked up."  
  
Luka was looking directly at her but then stopped.  
  
"What am I good for?" His jaw squared. "Why didn't you just leave me the way you found me?"  
  
Abby tried to control the tears.  
  
"Oh, Luka..."  
  
Luka did not look at her. He shut his eyes.  
  
"Don't say anything else. Don't make this hard on me." He stopped and swallowed an obstruction. "If you must go, please just go. Don't let this drag on."  
  
Abby bit on her lip. She touched his face once.  
  
"I'm sorry, Luka."  
  
Abby turned away and walked out the door.  
  
*  
  
At least...  
  
That's what she wanted to say.  
  
"Abby, you're on time," Luka smiled as he stirred something in a saucepan. "Supper is nearly ready."  
  
Abby pulled off her coat and scarf and threw them on the armchair.  
  
"Great," she breathed unemphatically and slumped onto the couch. "I can't wait."  
  
* 


End file.
